Thu, 04 Jul 2002 21:38:32 GMT

Alright. Well, I've hit an end here.

I am pissed off at myself today. Really, really pissed. I keep half-stepping around losing weight. I tell myself I'll do the SHD, which is crap because I'm eating enough soup to choke a horse and cheating left and right and being a stupid fucker about it. I try the SMD, but I keep having a 400 calorie day and then five 800 calorie days.

So, obviously I can't diet. I'm just a weak, stupid, fat piece of crap who can't stick to anything.

So forget it. Forget food. I am fasting until we go to Florida at the end of the month. Totally fucking fasting. Forget how good things taste and how much my stomach burns. I need that burn. I need to feel the pain of my body eating itself instead of food. I want to be miserable and unhealthy. I want to have to use some of the tips for hiding my fasting. I want to have to make excuses and make people feel better, instead of people telling me whatever I want to do is fine.

Man. You think having people breathing down your neck isn't fun? Try having other people let you do whatever the fuck you want because you're obviously not doing enough. It makes me feel like such utter shit that my best friend isn't concerned at all about me.

I want to lose so much weight so fast that people don't recognize me after not seeing me for a couple of weeks. I want stomach pain and hunger and weakness and light headedness. I want to stay at the gym for at least four hours a pop and work my ass off.

So. Yeah. That's what I'm going to do. I'm making my announcement on the lists, so I have witnesses. So I would be ashamed to break it. But I think I'll post details themselves on my personal journal, which I've never actually posted in before. Because I'm doing this for me.

Fuck food. It doesn't control me anymore, not after this morning. Not at all. I'm tired of see-sawing around the same few pounds. I'm tired of living as a fat ass.

If anyone else wants to go into this with me, you're more than welcome. I could use a person or two to help me out, because this is big time. This is serious. This will work. Because if it doesn't, then I'm going to punish myself by getting so fat I choke to death on my own flab.

Water. Maybe fruit juice as a reward now and then. Vitamins. Metabolife, Diet Fuel, and if I get a heart attack or something it's because I deserve it. I'm tired of being a healthy ana. Anyone want in? I make it sound so tempting, don't I? :-)

At the very least, wish me luck, girls. Or reply telling me what a waste of space fatass I am. Either way, I'll thank you.

Jen